Stalking: Have Things Changed?

How interesting that Patti at Not Dead Yet Style mentioned her run-in with a blog stalker the other day. I’ve been pondering this topic for some time, and two other recent events made me decide to write about stalking and related offenses.

First, let me give you some background on my own experiences.
• From the first through eigth grades, I was periodically the target of bullies, both male and female, who took delight in my unwillingness to fight back or speak up for myself.
• During my college years, I acquired two stalkers, former boyfriends who refused to let go. This allowed me and my family to develop a close relationship with the police department, but I would have happily forgone the experience.
• In my 20s I was sexually harassed at work. This was a truly disgusting and demeaning experience, magnified by my then-husband's assumption that I was encouraging it.

Like anyone who has had weird experiences, I often wonder why. I think part of it was the way I presented myself. It still surprises me that with strong female role models all around me, I spent so much of my life being meek and non-confrontational. I was never able to reconcile the two prime directives for female behavior in my generation, politeness and assertiveness. These contradictory modes, combined with extreme introversion, gave me the outward appearance of weakness, in my opinion.

Please, do not think that I subscribe to the “blame the victim” mentality. I abhor even the suggestion of that, and violently oppose anyone who believes that women can in any way cause crimes against themselves. However, I think (and you will tell me if I’m wrong) that women who are physically intimidating or have an aggressive demeanor are less likely to have weirdos parked outside their homes every night or receive threatening letters and calls.

I certainly don’t have anywhere near the problems I had when I was younger, but the occasional nuisance does arise. A few years ago a man approached me at the gym, asked me what I was doing later, and said that he was just in town for that night but he had his truck parked outside. Although I couldn't help laughing at his creepy stupidity, I said no, very clearly, and quickly pointed him out to the front desk to let them know he was bothering the customers. Last week a man followed me all over Jo-Anns Fabrics for almost an hour. After the fourth or fifth time that I looked up to see him hovering and leering at me, I told him to go away, and he did. Note that both of those instances occurred during the day; if it was nighttime, my responses would have been quite different.

Why do I lump all these experiences together? Because bullying, stalking, and harassment all have a similar emotional impact on me, the victim. I start to doubt my own intelligence and/or instincts. I am fearful of overreacting or being thought of as paranoid. And even though I have not been physically harmed, I feel disturbed by the unwanted interaction, and it colors the rest of my day.

What about stalking in the cyber world? There are both similarities and differences with the real world scenarios.

I think the biggest difference is that cyberstalkers feel protected by their anonymity, and this makes them bolder, meaner, more threatening, or cruder in their harassment. Like obscene phone callers, online stalkers are likely to say infinitely more horrible things than they would if they were talking to you face to face. I had a message from a facebook weirdo recently, and although there was a name and photo, it’s unlikely that either belonged to a real person. I did not respond, but dumped him into the spam bin.

The separation provided by cyberspace goes both ways. We can choose to ignore the stalkers, toss them in the spam file, delete them, and go about our business. If they are foolish enough to accost us on a platform with a reporting facility, we can sic the security police on them.

The main similarity between old-school stalking and the online version is that no matter what, we have been negatively affected. Whether it is just a brief inconvenience, or something so ugly that it makes us feel sick, our lives have been touched by something bad and it takes a little time to recover and move on. It’s good to share the experience, as Patti did, so we do not feel alone.

Because of my past experiences, I do not use my real name in my blog. I also do not post pictures of myself here. I like to be able to chat freely about things that interest me without wondering if so-and-so is suddenly going to show up in my comments. I guess I just feel more comfortable having a degree of separation between the real me and the online me.

If someone’s intent on finding me, they can certainly do it, but that’s true of everyone these days. I learned from a quick Google search that anyone can get my personal information including credit report and criminal record (that must be exciting!) for $49.95 or less.

I would like to ask you, dear readers, who I believe are mostly female, what is your opinion on dealing with stalkers? How would you have responded to some of the scenarios I’ve described here? And what experiences have you had with unwanted attention either in person or online?

Katrina

The Finished Winter Wardrobe

Thank you, readers, for your encouraging comments on my little project! I also should thank Carolyn of Diary of a Sewing Fanatic for showing that it could be done, and Mena of The Sew Weekly, whose sewing output is astonishing.

Here are the two final pieces of my brown wardrobe-in-a-week.

Item #4: seamed trousers.

The fabric is a taupe wool blend, 6 yards scored for $5 at Goodwill a few months ago. I’ve been in love with this 2002 pattern since I got it (also at Goodwill). It's hard to see in the envelope picture, but the line drawing shows the neat seams and topstitching. I decided to just make the pants, and I have plenty of fabric left if I want to try the jacket another time.

This no-waistband style is bound on the inside with grosgrain; first time I’ve used this method, and I like it. I used up some of my expensive Bemberg for the lining because I didn’t want to deal with static, perspiration, or other weirdness in these nice pants.

Why is it so difficult to photograph pants? They fit well, although the photos indicate some problem at the crotch. I’ll know for sure after I wear them for a few hours! The vertical seams made it very easy to fit to the booty, and everything else just followed the basic pattern lines for a size 16. It’s hard to believe I made a size 8 top and size 16 pants in the same week, but that’s why we sew, right? So we can deal with all these little quirks.

Item #5: plaid coat. This is the fabric that originally inspired my brown “wardrobe in a week” project. Chocolate brown, magenta, orange, yellow, tan and white – it’s like a fudgy ice cream sundae with all the toppings! I don’t have any content label for it, but I think it’s acrylic or a blend, and it has a loose, fuzzy, chenille-like weave.

It's the same pattern I used for the pullover top. The coat was quite easy (3 pattern pieces!), although I did make a slight error when I sewed the hood seam too far and lost 8 inches of the section that was to be the back neckline. (If I had read the pattern reviews BEFORE sewing, I would have known to watch out for this! Duh.) Chenille and seam ripper are not a match made in heaven, especially since I was flat-felling every seam to prevent the entire thing from unraveling. But eventually everything got put together, most of the plaids match, and it fits.

I did consider lining it, but decided I would get more use with the lighter version. I think the chunky belt keeps it from going too far into the realm of plaid bathrobes.

With a scarf and a bright sweater, it's a wardrobe!

There are still a few brown fabrics left in the stash, but I made quite a dent. Fifteen yards plus thirty hours of sewing equals five new pieces to go with my brown skirt and pants, which will no longer live as orphans at the back of the closet. I’m pleased that I took the extra time to fit everything properly, finish seams, and put in the small touches that will help these clothes look good and last well.

My favorite part of the project: no buttonholes! I didn’t consciously plan this, but none of the items have buttons. What a relief.

My least favorite part: flat-felling the thick seams on the jacket while the edges tried to unravel.

Easiest: surprisingly, the princess-seamed top, since the fabric was so easy to work with.

Most difficult: the slacks, which required some fitting, topstitching, lining, and a lot of hand-sewing. Definitely worth it!

Now I have to clean up my sewing mess and think about packing, petsitters, and other travel arrangements.

I’ll be back here once or twice before I leave. Have a wonderful weekend!

Katrina

A Wardrobe in a Week?

After planning my fall color palette, and then the winter one, mooning over patterns for months, and digging through my fabric bins, I ended up sewing nothing winter-weather-worthy except for two skirts and a dress. This is perfectly okay since the temperature is back in the 70s now, and we don’t expect much in the way of cold fronts or rain here. Ever. (This is not meant to taunt those of you still digging snow and scraping ice. Rather, it is for us to remember come summer, when I can’t leave the house for three straight months due to the heat.)

But there’s hope! Next week I’m going to San Francisco! It might be cold there! It’s my last chance for a winter wardrobe. I threw out all my previous ideas for color palettes and coordinates, and went to my least favorite color: brown. I don’t hate it, it just doesn’t seem to look very good on me. Yet I have accumulated many fabrics in shades of brown, plus I have a long knit skirt in light brown and wide-leg corduroy slacks in a dark chocolate color. This past Sunday, I decided to see what I could do with all the brown in a week.

I was very organized and focused: I cut all my fabrics at once, got all my notions ready, and even wound all the bobbins ahead of time. I sewed all the knits first so I wouldn’t have to remember to change the needle over and over again. I did a couple of small projects first – a T-shirt makeover and a scarf repair – and then I was ready to dive in.

Item #1: the drapey knit top. This is a very soft rayon jersey from Mood. A wonderful earthy print like tree bark, in gorgeous grays mixed with all shades of brown (Mood calls it “Grey Rocks”). This pattern is for wovens, and very loose fitting, so I cut it a full three sizes smaller than my usual 14. Easy to sew, fits perfectly, and looks great with brown, gray, black, white, tan, etc.

#2: the fitted pullover. This is a fantastic polyester double knit that I got on eBay. Probably from the 70s, it does have that vaguely grainy feel of the double knits of that decade, but it’s not at all stiff. I think the design is little Foo dogs, eagles, and turtles, but it could be something completely different. I love this Vogue pattern! I scooped the neckline an inch lower instead of doing the keyhole cutout. I like the cutout but I didn’t trust that it would look that nice when I was done with it. The vertical seams are not visible in the busy print, but they make for a perfect fit for me (cut a 12 at bust/14 at hip). I’ll be making this one again, and may well try the dress version.

#3: the wrap blouse. Another amazing 70s fabric find, also from eBay. I had to have it, even though it’s weird slinky poly, because of the teal and coral parrots hidden in the flower print. This has enough brown in it to count as part of the wardrobe. Of the dozen or so wrap tops in my pattern collection, I decided on this 1993 blouse because I liked the coverage (most wraps are pretty skimpy on the top). It’s kind of floppy if it’s not tucked in, so I also made a tie belt. This blouse screams “Grandma” to me – the polyester, the flowers, the pastels. I think it will be okay as long as I don’t start wearing peach polyester stretch pants with it.

Next time: two more pieces to round out the winter wardrobe in a week!

Katrina

Sapphire Velvet Skirt

I have been craving a royal blue velvet maxi skirt ever since I saw a lovely style blogger wearing one last year. (Was it Patti?)

The velvet was not hard to come by, with all the sales going on, and I really loved the hand-dyed look of this purplish blue.
It’s rayon – fortunately this one was marked – and has a luxurious weight and soft drape.

At the beginning, I enjoyed working with this velvet because of its extreme softness and cool, slippery feel. However, by the time I had hand-basted every dart and seam, sewn the zipper crooked, and taken three tries to get the hem tape on straight, I was starting to have unloving feelings toward it. It was shifty, unpredictable, and oversensitive, and at times I thought it was possessed by demons. In the end I managed to get a skirt that looks very nice on the outside, and all the little messes on the inside will just be a reminder to me that velvet is, after all, a serious undertaking.

Messy zipper

The design of the skirt is another long and ridiculous saga, from which I will spare you by simply saying I decided on a straight shape with wide front pleat, and drafted it myself. The back is a nearly rectangular piece with a slight curve from hips to waist and room for darts. The front is the same shape but with an additional 12 inches at the center front. Both were cut on the fold and I put the zipper in the side rather than the back. The skirt has a wide, straight waistband to sit at the natural waist.

The extra 12 inches were utilized by folding in three inches on each side of the center front to the midpoint to create the wide center pleat. With the pleat basted in place, I sewed up the side seams and fitted it, adding the necessary darts.

The velvet is delicate so I lined it with this pretty blue. The lining is polyester, and I'm hoping it behaves itself. The hem is bound with rayon tape. Next time I might consider using either a wider hem tape or a cotton bias tape to reduce the slipping and sliding.

The finished product (slight color difference in sunlight/indoor light). I LOVE the pleat – it adds visual interest as well as walking ease.

This was a nice conclusion to my velvet sewing binge; I think I’m over it until next year!

Katrina